I first noticed the change when presenting CompuServe's first "online seminar" back in 1993. Nothing like today's webinars! I "spoke" to the Business Forum, basically typing in Part 1 of my "presentation," then responding to comments and questions over the next two days. I then posted the Part 2 and did the same thing. There were seven parts total and it took two weeks, but it was well attended and popular.
However, an unsettling thing happened during the Comment & Questions phases. For no apparent reason, a handful of people posted insulting, malicious messages attacking me and my presentation. I was baffled. Okay, they didn't agree, but the hate-filled messages were completely unnecessary. In fact, it was clear they were doing it just because they could. Others came to my defense, and to my astonishment, fired back in the same vitriolic manner. I was a part of an early "flame war."
The Internet has shown great power in its ability to connect the world in ways we never before imagined. Consumers have power through their ability to collect information heretofore unavailable. Political movements around the world have ignited massive change and toppled entire regimes. Historical events are instantaneously shared minutes, sometimes hours, before traditional media can report. Small businesses compete globally on an almost equal cyber playing field with previously untouchable mega-corporations. We are only a click away from escaping advertisers. The list of amazing capabilities the Internet brings to us is long.
But strengths are also weaknesses and that list is equally long. Our privacy is disappearing fast. We're losing our personal uniqueness by living and defining ourselves through parameters set up by the digital moguls. As Douglas Rushkoff states in his book, Program or Be Programmed: Ten Commands for a Digital Age
More than that, we've become dislocated. My parents were born and raised in Jamestown, North Dakota. In the 30s and 40s, its population was around 8,000. The nearest big town, Fargo, was 98 miles away, so you can imagine what life was like growing up there. Jamestown was their world. No TV. No interstate. No Wal-Mart. No cable. No 16-screen cineplex. No Internet.
People connected with people via a strange medium known as face-to-face. They went to church, participated in the PTA, attended all the Jamestown High football and basketball games, gossiped over backyard fences, pigged out together at the county fair, took turns over party lines, and knew where every teenager was on Friday night. There was one radio station, run by Bob Ingstad (eventually his grandson would become Shadoe Stevens), and one newspaper that competed with the local gossip mill to see which could spread news faster.
Like generations before, as people connected with others face-to-face in daily, local encounters, they learned to be courteous, respectful, and well-mannered. Children were taught to call adults Mr., Miss, and Mrs. We learned to say please and thank you. We learned manners.
We learned other simple rules of etiquette – be polite, be punctual, do not point or stare, remove your hat indoors, hold the door, stand up when you meet someone. We learned to keep the conversation polite – do not lose your temper, swear, or shout. We learned rules of grammar – sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with punctuation marks. We learned the Golden Rule.
Why was all this necessary? Because people deserve a reasonable amount of respect, care, and consideration. And because my parents and generations before them were connected to people LOCALLY. Even if you didn't personally know all 8,000 people in Jamestown, odds were pretty high you would run into everybody else at some point. Society needed such unwritten rules in order to survive.
Technology has changed that. As I said, we are now a dislocated society. Because we don't literally "run into each other" anymore, why bother with manners and courtesy? The flamers who attacked me in 1993 knew there was literally no way I would ever confront them in person. Add to that the fact most of them posted their inflammatory remarks anonymously and we now have a new ballgame. Dislocation has given all of us the power and permission to be jerks. We say things digitally we would never say in person. We see boorish behavior from others online as acceptable.
Some of this has spilled over to the real world, as well. Not that many years ago, hand-written thank you notes were the norm. No more. Last year we sent some money to the daughter of a friend for her graduation. Several weeks later, after getting no response, Kay emailed our friend asking if she'd received the gift. "Yes," was the reply.
Here's the rub. As our world grows smaller from all this wonderful technology, we lose sight of the fact that people are still connecting with people. And just because we're not always connecting with them locally doesn't mean the rules of civility, courtesy, and manners should change. In addition, it should make no difference if our connections are in the business world. Why should they? Yet, for some reason, many of us think they do.
People don't do business with companies. People do business with people. Period. This is not up for discussion.
"It's only business. Nothing personal." is beyond stupid. EVERYTHING is personal. It's all about people. It doesn't matter whether you're with someone on the golf course, playing bridge at home, sitting next them on an airplane, behind them on the freeway, or across the table from them in a board room. It. Doesn't. Matter.
For those of you in business (which I assume is pretty much all of you), here's an amazing benefit to this. You have a very good chance of separating yourself from the competition! Unbelievable, but true. Being nice…being courteous…having good manners…using proper grammar…all this will probably make you stand out from the crowd. What a concept. And best of all, it's really cheap, too!
The change in interpersonal behavior I experienced in 1993 has only grown worse. We receive an impolite, rude email response to a prospecting query and we're supposed to feel "lucky" because we weren't ignored. We hide behind pseudonyms so we can tell people what we "really" think. Cyberbullying has become an international problem.
Am I suggesting we return to the "good old days" of my parent's Jamestown, ND? Heck, no. I like all our new toys.
I am suggesting, however, that before we get enamored with all the New Rules of (pick one) - Business…Marketing…the Economy…Work…Real Estate…Investing…Spamming…Channel Surfing…Body Waxing…etc. – we should make sure we have a solid foundation underneath us.
Does all this sound old-fashioned to you? So what? It's Rule #1 of the OLD RULES OF BUSINESS THAT STILL MATTER. And it's not just Rule #1, it's also the most important.
RULE #1:
PEOPLE DON'T DO BUSINESS WITH COMPANIES.
PEOPLE DO BUSINESS WITH PEOPLE
PS: As always, I look forward to your comments, whether you agree or disagree. And, if you do like my post, please forward it to your peers, friends, frenemies, or anybody influential in your network. I'm always looking for more readers!
Here, here!!! Awesome post!
That’s right. That is the message and what I want to communicate about my business.
AMEN, AMEN and AMEN!!!!!!!
And thank you very much for making the end of my day uplifting.
Linda Davenport
Galleria
Clarksville, Va.
Hi Steve,
Ever since I first heard you say “People do business with people” it has struck a cord with me and I’ve noticed it to be very true. There are so many people that I love to do business with, and pay more because of the “people.”
However, I wonder if this is a business-to-business rule only? In a business-to-customer scenario, it still could be a rule – but I don’t know if it ALWAYS is anymore? Those people who shop at Walmart, buy online, stop by an ATM machine, rent a movie from RedBox etc… seem like they are actually choosing to do business more with the “company” than the people. Even if there is a person in the transaction (ie: I don’t know too many people that go to Walmart to deal with a specific employee).
I still think your post is very valid, and think it in some ways still applies to how a company can present itself (polite and as if it is speaking to its customers in a personal way), but I do think there is a slight distinction that in a business-to-customer market, people do not always do business with people and may choose to do business with a “company” that offers the customer something more favorable than a relationship (like cheap prices, cheaper rates, more convenience, better information, unique product, etc.).
I come from a small town myself and I truly miss those values and attitudes. Thank you for taking the time to write this article and remind all of us that we are still dealing with people. I have gained a lot of business practicing those Midwest values.
I totally agree with everything you’ve said. No matter the technology of our time people and our relationships to them still count.
Perhaps I can offer a useful daily technique for preserving one’s humanity and humility in a digital age where individual people are becoming minimalized (to coin a new word) and the old rules seem to matter less and less.
Personally, I strive to make each day of my life a “three mitzvah day.” (For those born outside the New York area a “mitzvah” is a good deed done without any expectation of a reward.)
My goal is to do three kind things for other people. These acts must be my personal choice and not forced upon me.
This may sound difficult. Yet, every day I come across situations where I’m able to reach this triple goal.
I think that doing good deeds for others is especially easy for people who have been blessed by owning their own businesses. We have the power and wealth to easily help others.
If I see a homeless person panhandling on the street I will cheerfully give him or her money. But, more important than money, I will give that person a smile and say something to them that will reinforce his worth as a human being. (I can only imagine how terrible it must be to be an “invisible” human being in our society.)
If I see a person has a problem, even if he or she doesn’t recognize it himself, I will try to provide a solution that will improve his life.
Recognizing older people or reinforcing the self-worth of a child with a kind word is a good deed, in itself.
When I get to work I strive to provide benefit to my customers, a feeling of value and worth to my staff and respect to everyone I speak to. (Sometimes this can be tough in a harried business environment.)
I insist that everyone on my staff act civilly and respectfully to our customers and each other. Where conflicts occur I use humor and leadership to smooth the rifts. I lead by example.
Our newsletters and promotions are all designed with the primary purpose of providing benefit to the readers, customers and prospects. (I’ll be forwarding a very personalized one to you I wrote last week about taking pictures at theme parks.)
At the end of every day I evaluate that day’s events. It’s pretty rare that I haven’t accomplished my “three mitzvahs.”
It’s important that one never expect to see a specific return on this “investment.” There are days when no good deed goes unpunished.
But, I have found in my 67 years that what goes around really does come around. Somehow if you do good for others, good…and success…will come your way. (I guess that’s the opposite of “nice guys come in last.”)
From my perspective, I believe that I’ve attained a greater level of success and enjoy more happiness in any given day than I am entitled to. Sharing my blessings with others through three acts of kindness is a small price to pay.
Thanks, Steve, for setting the bar high and giving us your valuable insights and philosopy. I think that for most of us who read your blogs you are preaching to the choir. There are a lot of good people in this world.
Best regards,
Dale
Amen Steve.
Many truisms in your article point to most of us interacting with respect and would like respect in return. I have thought for a long time that you make your own luck (Labor Under Correct Knowledge) in personal relationships as well as in business. Thank you for your positive thoughts — people do enjoy doing business with people.
Does anyone remember Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People? This is all good stuff. Thank you all for adding your thoughts and insight.
I am responding to the comments made by Dale and his reference to “Mitzvahs”. In my own personal life I have used the term RAK which means “Random Acts of Kindness”. Dale as you so eloquently stated these are done out of the caring we have for our fellow man/woman. The only level of satisfaction is from the thought that we have made an effort to improve or help one’s lot.
Thank you for bringing that thought to the forefront. I think as we get old we tend to change our perspective from climbing to the top to helping people to achieve a better life.
Thanks,
Eric Sullwold
This is a great insight…
Steve,
This is one of your best posts of all I have read. Amen, Amen, Amen!
Thanks for the reminders, the refreshing insights and the #1 Rule. Love it and so very true.
Brenda Haley
Steve,
truer words were never spoken!
I think most common people feels the same – but you have manged to formulate it so beautifully and so precisely. I will share this with all my friends!