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UntitledI’ve received several emails this week from BFFs wondering if I was going to critique the Super Bowl commercials. Okay, if I must, but you might want to have children under the age of 13 look away from the screen. I’m not going to comment on all of them, what I liked and the ones that deserve raspberries. I’ll also give points to each. (You can watch all the commercials at this link: http://adage.com/article/special-report-super-bowl/search-2013-super-bowl-spots-place/239485/.

 I should first tell you what I’m basing my judgment on, too. One simple thing. Does the commercial make me want to buy the product? IMNSHO, that is ALL any marketing or advertising message should do. I don’t care if the commercial makes me TALK about it, LAUGH at it, have my heartstrings TUGGED by it, feel PROUD from it, or CRY as a result. If that’s your objective with advertising, then get out of the advertising/marketing business and go make movies. Any and all advertising and marketing tools are used to proactively sell stuff.

Apparently big time advertisers and “ad men” miss this point. According to Ad Age’s Ken Wheaton in his Super Bowl Ad Review: The Good, the Bad, the Clydesdales, “You, the marketer, have 30 to 60 seconds (or, in the case of Chrysler, 120), to delight, entertain and sell. Or at least just delight.” If I spent $4 million for a Super Bowl ad and all I got was a delighted viewer, I would burn down my ad agency exec’s home. Wheaton continued to not get it when he gave four stars out of four to the Budweiser ad where the Clydesdale reunites with his original master, “Weepy, sentimental, nostalgic. I don't care. This is everything I want from a Budweiser Super Bowl spot.” Really.

Good Commercials

Tide “Miracle Stain” – 8 points
My favorite for best commercial. I actually went to the store after the game and bought some Tide. Or I would have if I’d actually gone to the store after the game.

SodaStream “The SodaStream Effect” – 8 points
Great job showing and sharing the benefits of using the SodaStream device for making your own carbonated drinks instead of buying all those liters of soda, “We could have saved 500 million bottles on game day alone.

Almost Good Commercial

Doritos “Fashionista Daddy” – 6 points
Daddy would rather play dress up (complete with make-up) with his little girl than play football with the guys, because she’s got Doritos. So would the guys, or maybe I'm missing the obvious.

Bad Commercials

Coca-Cola “Security Camera” – 3 points
First, are these real? They don’t tell me. Second, good feelings from a commercial make me want to drink Coke? No, they make me want to lie down till the feeling passes.

Budweiser “Brotherhood” – 3 points
A rancher raises a horse to sell to Budweiser. I’m trying to figure out why the horse didn’t stomp the guy to death for selling him into slavery. (OK, I might be a little harsh here.)

Axe “Lifeguard” – 2 points
Beautiful drowning victim runs away from lifeguard who just beat the crap out of a shark to a nerd dressed as an astronaut apparently heading to ComicCon. I’m betting the lifeguard’s body odor was stronger than the nerd’s Axe.

Ok, I’m going to stop here with the Bad Commercials. There were so many. Let’s get into the…

So-Terrible-I’m-Going-To-Burn-Down-My-Ad-Agency-Exec’s-Home Commercials

Coca-Cola “Mirage” – minus 233 points
A contest to see who gets the Coke? Viewers voted for the winner and we saw the results after the game? Who won? Who cares?

Calvin Klein “Concept” – minus 200,000 points
I just ordered a new batch of Fruit of the Loom underwear to replace all the Calvin Kleins I just burned.

GoDaddy “Perfect Match” – minus infinity points
Jesse Heiman calls himself the World’s Greatest Extra. There is a myth that he’s been in EVERY movie and TV show ever made. After watching him french kiss super model Bar Rafaeli, I now believe him.

So tell me which commercial you liked the best and why. What I’m REALLY interested, though, is which commercials you really hated and why! C’mon folks, give it up!